Gender Roles (3.19.15)

This morning I was assigned to the Rescue Mission again. Instead of doing physical labor down in the basement, I was able to help set up food for the worship service and I did the announcements as well. I spoke in front of a very crowded room but felt very comfortable doing so. After I concluded reading the announcements I led everyone in prayer before the worship team started playing and singing. I was a tad nervous to pray in front of so many people, but those feelings quickly departed as I continued to speak to my Lord. (Several people throughout the day approached me to tell me that I did a good job speaking, and those kind words meant a lot and encouraged me greatly). 

Worship started so I had to find a place to sit down in the audience. Around forty chairs were filled with residents of the TL, and speckled in between were mission trip volunteers. I sat in between a man and a woman who undoubtedly looked and smelled like the TL. With initially shy demeanors their voices lifted up Jesus’ name so boldly once the worship team started to play and sing. In those moments of worship we were all broken sinners and children of God praising our all-powerful Father. 

To realize this was very powerful and very special – our sins may look a little different on the outside, but our sins are the same on the inside to God. Where I live we have become so skilled at concealing our internal sins, but residents' sins of the TL are external and more difficult to hide. This viewpoint humbled me as well as allowed me to have more compassion and empathy for these people. 

After worship there was a sermon. During the beginning of the day Jonathan interpreted for Margaret, so towards the end I switched with him and interpreted for her the best I could. What a cool experience! My ASL has been improving a lot throughout this week practicing and being around Casey, Margaret and the other interpreters. Margaret has been SO encouraging to me the entire trip and extremely patient when teaching me new signs. Being able to communicate with her in her language is indescribably special to me. I had no clue coming into this trip that I would form such genuine friendships through ASL. What a blessing. 

-DOUBTS-

In the afternoon I was put in the Meal Delivery group again. I ended up being partners with an older man who came with the church from College Station. He was very nice to me, and I had talked with his wife on several occasions who was very nice as well. He and I knocked on several unopened doors before a man, who was clearly on a drug or five, opened his. The stench of marijuana filled my nose immediately, and from looking inside it was clear why the smell was so strong. I began by introducing myself and shaking his hand, and my partner did the same. I started asking him how his day was going so far, how long he had lived in SF and other questions similar to those to get to know him better. He answered each one and seemed very willing to speak to us. We then offered him a free meal that he accepted. When I asked if there was anything I could pray about for him he graciously declined, but then he started rambling in incomplete sentences and phrases that didn’t make sense. It turned very weird very quickly and ended with an “Alright well have a nice day” and a closed door. 

Immediately following this encounter my partner turned to me and said, “Next time if a man opens the door let me talk to him. If a woman opens the door then you can talk to her.” My eyebrows immediately turned in and in as calm a voice I could muster I replied with, “Excuse me?” He followed up with, “Yeah you heard me. Men are to deal with men’s affairs and women are to deal with women’s affairs.” 

My face got hot, my heart started beating faster and I forced myself to hold in frustrated tears. No one has ever told me I couldn't do something before because of my gender, let alone tell me I can't share God's love with others. I told him sternly that I disagreed as I bit my tongue to hold back from yelling in anger. The only thing that refrained me was the fact that he was an adult, and I owed him some respect despite not receiving it. At first I tried to decipher where my anger was coming from and if it was my pride he just stomped on, but I soon realized that my feelings welled up from deeper than superficiality - he had just stomped on my heart. He had stomped on my heart, my self-worth, and ultimately my identity as a disciple of Christ. 

He snapped back with, “That’s what is written in the Bible,” as he quickly walked away from me. This statement initiated my mind turning and thinking back to all the things I have read and heard in the Bible about men and women and each of their roles. I agreed with the notion that men should counsel men and women likewise. But to not permit a woman to speak Truth and out of love to a man solely because of the gender difference is not found anywhere in the Bible. Christ is in both men and women, and it is through Christ’s love that we are able to share Him with anyone we encounter. For the remainder of the day I was able to keep my emotions in check, but this lingering doubt in my capabilities of ministering to people grabbed a seat in the back of my mind and made itself comfortable.

We returned to the mission to have dinner, and the Grace Bible group watched the SFA Men’s Basketball game. (Y’all had a good run, boys, and we all enjoyed watching and cheering for you all the way from California!) After the game ended our group went out for another night of street ministry. This time I was timid. I wanted to stay with John the whole time because he was a guy and more outgoing; I could easily hide behind his personality. I passed by many people and shied away from communicating anything accept for a disingenuous smile. That doubt from earlier had managed to find a bigger chair. 

More than two people approached me to ask if I was doing alright (I had still not shared my earlier encounter with anyone), but each question I dismissed with a lame, “Yeah I’m good.” Until Autumn asked me, and for some reason, tears that were building all day welled up and spilled uncontrollably down my face. I needed to tell someone. Through embarrassing tears I told her what the man had said to me and how he made me feel. She then prayed over me the sweetest prayer in the middle of the sidewalk. I felt a little better after that but the doubt and hurt from before still weren't put to death. Later I talked to John and cried to him the same story, and he showered me with sweet words of truth. The rest of the street ministry time I was holding back tears, though, and just couldn’t manage to get this doubt to stand up and leave. 

At the end of the day when we circled up as a Grace Bible group to share things we wanted everyone to pray over us for, I addressed the situation with the man telling me I was not allowed to talk to men. I could feel the tension in the room grow as I repeated the man's words to me. Hands of many and sweet voices of dear friends speaking truth about this situation prayed over me that night.  

One of our pastors, Joe, followed up with saying that no one should be hindered solely based on gender, and he then announced how angry hearing what happened to me made him feel. He asked me to pray aloud over him for his anger and a couple of other people were going to pray for him too. (More accurately, Joe pointed to me and said, "I want you to pray over me, Rachel. I don't care who else prays as long as you pray over me first."). I spoke from my heart and afterward we hugged. Fully embraced he said my prayer was exactly what he needed to hear. I felt so grateful for his protective nature and love that he was showing me. (At this point we hadn’t really talked or gotten to know each other very well. The fact that he reacted this way for me when we were not very close shows how big his heart is for the Lord and for others.) The rest of our group was angry for me as well. Never have I felt more loved and supported from a group of people than this night. 

I can’t put into words how thankful I am for this group of genuine Godly people.