Gender Roles (3.19.15)

This morning I was assigned to the Rescue Mission again. Instead of doing physical labor down in the basement, I was able to help set up food for the worship service and I did the announcements as well. I spoke in front of a very crowded room but felt very comfortable doing so. After I concluded reading the announcements I led everyone in prayer before the worship team started playing and singing. I was a tad nervous to pray in front of so many people, but those feelings quickly departed as I continued to speak to my Lord. (Several people throughout the day approached me to tell me that I did a good job speaking, and those kind words meant a lot and encouraged me greatly). 

Worship started so I had to find a place to sit down in the audience. Around forty chairs were filled with residents of the TL, and speckled in between were mission trip volunteers. I sat in between a man and a woman who undoubtedly looked and smelled like the TL. With initially shy demeanors their voices lifted up Jesus’ name so boldly once the worship team started to play and sing. In those moments of worship we were all broken sinners and children of God praising our all-powerful Father. 

To realize this was very powerful and very special – our sins may look a little different on the outside, but our sins are the same on the inside to God. Where I live we have become so skilled at concealing our internal sins, but residents' sins of the TL are external and more difficult to hide. This viewpoint humbled me as well as allowed me to have more compassion and empathy for these people. 

After worship there was a sermon. During the beginning of the day Jonathan interpreted for Margaret, so towards the end I switched with him and interpreted for her the best I could. What a cool experience! My ASL has been improving a lot throughout this week practicing and being around Casey, Margaret and the other interpreters. Margaret has been SO encouraging to me the entire trip and extremely patient when teaching me new signs. Being able to communicate with her in her language is indescribably special to me. I had no clue coming into this trip that I would form such genuine friendships through ASL. What a blessing. 

-DOUBTS-

In the afternoon I was put in the Meal Delivery group again. I ended up being partners with an older man who came with the church from College Station. He was very nice to me, and I had talked with his wife on several occasions who was very nice as well. He and I knocked on several unopened doors before a man, who was clearly on a drug or five, opened his. The stench of marijuana filled my nose immediately, and from looking inside it was clear why the smell was so strong. I began by introducing myself and shaking his hand, and my partner did the same. I started asking him how his day was going so far, how long he had lived in SF and other questions similar to those to get to know him better. He answered each one and seemed very willing to speak to us. We then offered him a free meal that he accepted. When I asked if there was anything I could pray about for him he graciously declined, but then he started rambling in incomplete sentences and phrases that didn’t make sense. It turned very weird very quickly and ended with an “Alright well have a nice day” and a closed door. 

Immediately following this encounter my partner turned to me and said, “Next time if a man opens the door let me talk to him. If a woman opens the door then you can talk to her.” My eyebrows immediately turned in and in as calm a voice I could muster I replied with, “Excuse me?” He followed up with, “Yeah you heard me. Men are to deal with men’s affairs and women are to deal with women’s affairs.” 

My face got hot, my heart started beating faster and I forced myself to hold in frustrated tears. No one has ever told me I couldn't do something before because of my gender, let alone tell me I can't share God's love with others. I told him sternly that I disagreed as I bit my tongue to hold back from yelling in anger. The only thing that refrained me was the fact that he was an adult, and I owed him some respect despite not receiving it. At first I tried to decipher where my anger was coming from and if it was my pride he just stomped on, but I soon realized that my feelings welled up from deeper than superficiality - he had just stomped on my heart. He had stomped on my heart, my self-worth, and ultimately my identity as a disciple of Christ. 

He snapped back with, “That’s what is written in the Bible,” as he quickly walked away from me. This statement initiated my mind turning and thinking back to all the things I have read and heard in the Bible about men and women and each of their roles. I agreed with the notion that men should counsel men and women likewise. But to not permit a woman to speak Truth and out of love to a man solely because of the gender difference is not found anywhere in the Bible. Christ is in both men and women, and it is through Christ’s love that we are able to share Him with anyone we encounter. For the remainder of the day I was able to keep my emotions in check, but this lingering doubt in my capabilities of ministering to people grabbed a seat in the back of my mind and made itself comfortable.

We returned to the mission to have dinner, and the Grace Bible group watched the SFA Men’s Basketball game. (Y’all had a good run, boys, and we all enjoyed watching and cheering for you all the way from California!) After the game ended our group went out for another night of street ministry. This time I was timid. I wanted to stay with John the whole time because he was a guy and more outgoing; I could easily hide behind his personality. I passed by many people and shied away from communicating anything accept for a disingenuous smile. That doubt from earlier had managed to find a bigger chair. 

More than two people approached me to ask if I was doing alright (I had still not shared my earlier encounter with anyone), but each question I dismissed with a lame, “Yeah I’m good.” Until Autumn asked me, and for some reason, tears that were building all day welled up and spilled uncontrollably down my face. I needed to tell someone. Through embarrassing tears I told her what the man had said to me and how he made me feel. She then prayed over me the sweetest prayer in the middle of the sidewalk. I felt a little better after that but the doubt and hurt from before still weren't put to death. Later I talked to John and cried to him the same story, and he showered me with sweet words of truth. The rest of the street ministry time I was holding back tears, though, and just couldn’t manage to get this doubt to stand up and leave. 

At the end of the day when we circled up as a Grace Bible group to share things we wanted everyone to pray over us for, I addressed the situation with the man telling me I was not allowed to talk to men. I could feel the tension in the room grow as I repeated the man's words to me. Hands of many and sweet voices of dear friends speaking truth about this situation prayed over me that night.  

One of our pastors, Joe, followed up with saying that no one should be hindered solely based on gender, and he then announced how angry hearing what happened to me made him feel. He asked me to pray aloud over him for his anger and a couple of other people were going to pray for him too. (More accurately, Joe pointed to me and said, "I want you to pray over me, Rachel. I don't care who else prays as long as you pray over me first."). I spoke from my heart and afterward we hugged. Fully embraced he said my prayer was exactly what he needed to hear. I felt so grateful for his protective nature and love that he was showing me. (At this point we hadn’t really talked or gotten to know each other very well. The fact that he reacted this way for me when we were not very close shows how big his heart is for the Lord and for others.) The rest of our group was angry for me as well. Never have I felt more loved and supported from a group of people than this night. 

I can’t put into words how thankful I am for this group of genuine Godly people.

Pride Check (3.18.15)

This morning I woke up earlier than I usually do to give me time to write in this journal and listen to praise music. What a wonderful start to a wonderful day! For the morning I was assigned to help work at the Rescue Mission. (This is the place where people can come in off the streets to get food, medical care and attend church services). JD, John Jackson and Demonay stayed upstairs to lead the worship service, while the rest of us went down into the basement/food pantry to help move (heavy) boxes, sweep and lay rat traps. The two hours of heavy lifting took a toll on my arms and my energy, but I was glad to be able to help in whatever way they needed. And let's face it, I needed a good workout!

When we finished with the boxes the man in charge gave us our next task: painting the outside entrance of the Rescue Mission. Originally the walls displayed an orange color - but not a pretty orange, kind of a dirty, mad orange. The man had picked out a beautiful sky blue in an attempt to be more welcoming and to elicit more positive feelings from visitors. We started slapping paint onto the walls and almost immediately passersby commented on how pretty they thought the color was. Only half the walls completed, this blue positively impacted onlookers. I am proud to have been part of a team who worked on a project that had such a positive effect on the TL residents.

After lunch I was assigned to work at "TL Revive". Revive is basically a free place where people can come to just hang out during the day to stay off the streets and be loved on. Set up in the building are many tables. One designated for drawing or painting, one for women to get their nails painted, one with board games, and one in the back with coffee and snacks. There were many chairs set up and even a photo booth area that printed out the pictures afterward!

O'Neill was one of the first men to walk in around 2:30 p.m. A young-looking fellow with a beanie and a backpack on, he seemed like a safe person to approach. I walked up to introduce myself and showed him the various tables of potential activities. He was only interested in the coffee, so I brewed a fresh pot then sat with him to talk. More accurately stated, I sat with him and listened. For two hours. TWO HOURS. And I had no idea what he was talking about. All he needed was someone to share his ideas with and I am glad I could be that person for him today.

After closing time we left for 230 Jones where there was a community worship night. Mission groups and TL residents both merged together singing and praising the Lord. It was a beautiful sight to witness. When these people have literally nothing they cling to the power and love of Jesus Christ because that's the only hope they have. They maneuver with such an inspiring child-like faith.

-PRIDE CHECK-

In the morning after breakfast, Madelyn told me I should try interpreting for Margaret. Margaret and Casey are two girls who are part of our church and who are also part of the Deaf community at SFA. I have taken almost two semesters of American Sign Language so I am able to communicate conversationally with Margaret and Casey. But I have never tried interpreting for them. Initially I told Madelyn no because I didn't think I was capable, but she urged me to so I said I would try.

Another interpreter, Martin, sat with me on the stage in front of everyone to help me when I needed it. I interpreted the announcements and didn't have much trouble (announcements are common words and common signs I knew), but when other people started talking and telling stories, I didn't know some words so Martin started to help me. But then he quickly took over interpreting completely and left me just sitting there watching him. This frustrated me. I felt like a failure and felt embarrassed that everyone in the audience could see that I failed. I knew he didn't take over to be mean or rude, but it still frustrated me. Once the speaker began preaching Madelyn took my spot and I found a seat in the audience to listen.

At first this situation hurt my pride because Martin didn't think I could sign and interpret adequately enough for Margaret. I know I wasn't great, but I was trying and doing fine. It also hurt my pride because my failure was so visible to so many people. I lingered on this hurt feeling for about 10 minutes and processed through the reason I felt that way and tried to figure out where my heart was. My heart was not in the right place. These feelings I developed were from a selfish heart. The point of interpreting was to help Margaret understand when someone was talking so she wouldn't have that communication barrier. I made the interpreting about my abilities, my performance, my failing, and my struggle with my fear of failure.

Once I acknowledged this fault in my heart I quickly addressed it, processed through my thought patterns, and then reminded myself that this was not about me. This trip and this situation were not meant to put me in the center of attention - and that's what I was twisting them into - another thing that was all about me. This situation also shined light on the fact that I wasn't the best at something (and if you know me, you know I'm competitive and love being good at anything and everything), but I wasn't super fluent in ASL yet, which forced me to be humbled by that.

At the beginning of this trip I prayed about and wrote:

"This trip is not about me and my capabilities, but about God and how He uses the incapable to do His work. I have to keep reminding myself of this. It's very easy for me to turn everything around and make the things in my life centered around me. This trip I am determined and excited about making an entire week centered around God and serving others."

I believe this experience was part of God's process of humbling and reminding me that this trip was not centered around me. I also believe He used it to show me where my heart actually was so I could address and change it. I've been learning so much about being aware of my thought patterns and processing through the origin of my specific emotions, and also discerning if my emotions are justified or just selfish. This has helped me grow so much in my faith and mature as a person in general.

I thank God for humbling me through this circumstance. Pride is one thing I have to address daily, but now being aware of it as soon as it enters my heart, I am able to check it quickly and move on with a humbler heart. I pray for a humble heart every single day.

Divine Appointments (3.17.15)

Today was our first full day of mission work. WOW! I am so amazed and so encouraged by all that God is already doing in the hearts and the lives of the people in the TL as well as the volunteers in our church group. There is no one like our God. He is doing so much in stirring our hearts of affection for Him, and revealing Himself to many people in many different ways that prove it is Him and only Him. The Lord is so powerful and so mighty and so GOOD.

I can see the change in my life already and I've only been here for two days - I cannot wait to see what else He has in store for me on this trip and for the rest of my life. I am open to hearing His voice, and my eyes are opening up to things He's wanting to show me.

I am at the point in my life right now where I am searching for direction of purpose and for the next step to take in my relationship with God. That has been one major thing on my heart and on my mind the past few months. I am not sure what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to be after I graduate college in December. I have dreams of continuing my soccer career by playing professionally somewhere in the world, but I am not certain if that's God's plan for me. I have been praying for direction and for clarity regarding my future, and I think this trip has already confirmed a spiritual gift I have been blessed with. Compassion for people. (After the trip Brooke also told me she thought I had the spiritual gift of compassion).

Tonight we went out after dinner to do street ministry. Before we began I didn't know exactly what street ministry would look like or if I would be any good at it. We started to approach strangers - homeless, prostitutes, addicts - and talking to them came very naturally to me. I had no fear or hesitation once I was out walking the streets when introducing myself and initiating conversation with these people. I smiled, spoke confidently and made genuine connections with some people. It was incredible. Not everyone I talked to was interested in hearing about Christ or talking in general, but most were open-minded and had a lot of life stories to share.

-DIVINE APPOINTMENT #1-

Two others (from the College Station mission group) and I were in conversation with two men on the street. The conversation was directed toward our backgrounds - where we came from and what brought us to SF. As the other two in my group said aloud they were from College Station a man rode in between the conversation on his bike. He immediately pushed the brakes right in front of me, turned around abruptly and said to us with a wide grin, "College Station?!? I haven't heard those words in years! My parents are from College Station!"

This man must have been in his forties or fifties, his wrinkles told a story of long days out in the sun, his clothes screamed, "wash me," and his breath confirmed his affinity for alcohol. His smile, however, radiated complete joy of familiarity. His smile was my favorite.

I carried on the conversation with this man while the other two people in my group turned back to talk with the original two men. When I mentioned that I grew up in Houston his eyes grew wider, and through his increasingly wider grin he told me he grew up in the 5th Ward. Because we had so many random things in common my heart grew bigger and bigger for this man. Because of the abrupt start to our conversation I never properly introduced myself, so at one point I stopped and asked his name. "Richard," he said. I followed with, "I'm Rachel, it's nice to meet you." Man, if this guy wasn't already excited enough, hearing my name took him to a whole new level. Leaning over his bike his big, genuine eyes were only a few inches away staring straight into mine. I saw into his precious soul when he said, "You're kidding me? Your name is Rachel??" And with a twinkle in his eyes he told me his grandmother's name was Rachel and that was one of his favorite names. He gleamed with joy and love as he spoke about his grandmother to me, and my eyes couldn't help but tear up because of how lucky I was to be able to see this side of this man out on the street in the middle of the TL. I felt this divine connection to this man and it overwhelmed my heart with joy.

As our conversation continued I saw the heart behind this man's past, his pain, and his circumstances, which reminded me that everyone is human - no matter which part of the city they live in or what they look like from the outside. I truly believe that conversation was a divine appointment for Richard and I, and I thank God for that opportunity to connect with and share God's love with him.

-DIVINE APPOINTMENT #2-

Earlier in the day I went out with a group to deliver meals to people in their buildings, get to know them and pray over them. I was partnered up with Connor McAtee and we were able to speak to a good amount of residents, despite the many doors that were never answered. We placed our hands on the unanswered doors and prayed out loud over the residents anyway.

We finished with our designated doors only to find down the hall an interesting man talking to some of the others in our group. He had crazy Albert Einstein hair, was wearing solely a shirt and underwear, and was clearly not in his right mind. As I listened in on the conversation from down the hall I heard him talk about his pain and sickness. Several times our group members asked if they could pray over him, and each time he adamantly insisted, "No, no I'm fine. I take pain pills, sometimes five or six or seven and they numb me up real good."

Hearing this I started crying. Like real crying in the middle of the hallway. It genuinely hurt my heart that he believed temporary pain medication numbness was better than our Lord. I wanted to shout to him to choose our God over worldly drugs. I was in a similar place at one point in high school when I thought that a ridiculous amount of pain pills was the only way to mask all the pain in my life. This man reminded me of my broken self and it hurt my heart for him terribly. I want so badly for his heart to soften and open up to You, Lord. It made me sad that he rejected Your love and he still has no idea what power he was rejecting.

This encounter reminded me of the place I was once in and forced me to reflect on my broken past. It ultimately forced me to look to God and remember how incredible and powerful His healing has been in my life. I don't like to think back to the person I was very often, but this man in this brief encounter allowed me to look back on my once broken self and realize how much the Lord has done in my life to restore me. (I am still a sinful and broken person, as we all are- but Jesus Christ restored my heart and I am nowhere near the hopeless, broken person I once was without Him in my life.) Even though seeing this man's circumstances was hard for me, I know God orchestrated this encounter to show me how far I have come and how far God has delivered me.

Spiritual Warfare (3.16.15)

God is moving in this city. I can feel it all around me and I am starting to see it as well. He is powerful and He is mighty and His name carries so much strength. It's crazy how many forces out in the world are against God and how in every single moment God’s name conquers. The people who live in this city as well as the people who have come to temporarily serve are going to witness Christ’s power this week. I fully believe that. 

It's the end of the first full day here. As I am writing this, the Grace Bible group is sitting in this building in a circle praying over individuals in the middle. As I am trying to write, words of others' prayers are helping me find comfort in the Lord’s name. Martin has ankle problems and a group of about 10 people are praying over his ankles. Lord, there is power in Your name and I know You will impact everyone here in Your own way. After praying over a few people, tears began to slip out of my eyes. I felt something on my heart that I needed to speak up about, have our group aware of and pray over me for.

Two weeks ago I had a dream that while I was driving my car I turned it off the road and crashed into a ditch. I was not hurt so I got out and ran down the street to my friend’s house, and then after a little while I ran back to my car with police and ambulances surrounding it. My mom was sitting on the ground on the side of the road. In her arms she was holding a dead woman. It was very evident that the woman was dead. I then saw the woman stand up and her face changed – her face looked decayed and her body did as well. She started walking toward me speaking in tongues and when I tried to speak Jesus’ name, my voice would not come out. My mouth would not open. I kept trying to spit out “In Jesus’ name I command you to go away,” (this is what I was taught to say to force demonic spirits to vanish) but my mouth was shut completely and would not cooperate with my brain. 

Then I woke up. 

I lay in bed trembling, still unable to speak. I kept repeating it over and over in my mind but couldn’t manage to open my mouth to say Jesus' name aloud. I felt a heavy presence in my room as I slipped deeper under my covers in fear. My eyes darted to various parts of my room hoping not to catch anything out of the ordinary. After about a minute of uneasiness I mustered up the courage to speak out loud, “In Jesus’ name I command you to go away.” In the instant ‘away’ left my lips, I felt a tingling from my toes to my head that felt like something was lifted off of me. This freaked me out even more and I was still terrified so I turned on praise music and called my friend Blake to pray over me. It was 2:00 in the morning. After two calls he answered. Through my tears I explained my dream and my fear to him and he prayed for me over the phone. I was still crying and shaken up, so he drove over to my house to pray over me and my room in person and stay until I would feel safe. (I am so thankful for Blake and for our friendship that I am able to call him in the middle of the night and that he is willing to help me with anything. He is truly a blessing!)

That was two weeks ago in Nacogdoches, Texas.

Today while a group of us were praying over different City Impact locations in the TL, a man started yelling at us from across the street in a language I did not recognize. When a girl next to me from our group started praying out loud his yelling grew louder and more intense, and then he started to walk across the street directly toward the group. (We held eye contact the entire time.) The terrified feelings I felt after my demonic dream in Nacogdoches instantly came back with a vengeance as it was becoming reality. I placed my hand on the girl's shoulder as she continued her prayer out loud and then I began to pray in my head. As our group said in unison, “In Jesus' name, Amen” the man stopped yelling, turned around and walked away from us.

There is so much power in Jesus’ name. It is very easy to not think about or not realize it until moments when His name proves His power. I was prayed over tonight by the entire Grace Bible group and felt genuine peace and comfort about my life in God’s protective hands and about the power I have in His name over demonic attacks.

Every fear has no place at the sound of Your great name

The enemy—he has to leave at the sound of Your great name

All the weak find their strength at the sound of Your great name

Jesus, Jesus.

As I was writing this post these songs below were playing on Spotify – just what I needed to hear.  Go listen to them and their powerful lyrics! :)

[Your Great Name_Austin Stone Live]

[No Other Name_Hillsong]   

[Forever Reign_Hillsong]

Dallas to SF (3.15.15)

I am currently on a plane en route to SF. I am going on my first mission trip with my church from Nacogdoches, Grace Bible Church. There are about 35 people on this trip- students and leaders. We are going to be working with City Impact in a part of SF called the "Tenderloin" because of its central location in the city. This is where all of the homeless and drug-addicted people have congregated. It is a very rough part of the city, but that's what makes it an ideal place to do mission work and to share God's love with these people who really need it. I am very excited.

Part of me is nervous about not knowing exactly what we're going to do there, and also about the scary people and things I know are going to be around me. The other part of me is nervous about how God is going to use me on this trip - or if He is going to use me at all. I'm afraid He won't use me in a remarkable way to impact someone else's life. This is a selfish fear I think though, so I'm going to keep praying about it and about where my heart is during this trip.

This trip is not about me and my capabilities, but about God and how He uses the incapable to do His work. 

I have to keep reminding myself of this. It's very easy for me to turn everything around and make the things in my life centered around me. This trip I am determined and excited about making an entire week centered around God and serving others. This week I will be selfless.

A group of girls and I are reading through a book by Elyse Fitzpatrick. Coincidentally a friend of mine in that group, Brooke, is coming on this trip with me and she found some awesome quotes that relate to our current situation. She shared these with me.

"The Lord has given you the freedom to seek to serve Him in whatever way He has wired you to. And then, in all the ways you fail, He also gives us His righteousness." (Minutes before she shared this with me I wrote down my fears mentioned above. What a blessing and encouragement this was to begin our trip!)

"All human efforts will fall short of transforming anyone's heart. The truth is that we can't transform our own hearts, let alone anyone else's. That's something only the Lord can do."

Whether I pray with someone to accept Christ into their heart, plant a seed of hope in someone's life, or serve behind the scenes to make a small improvement in someone's day, I will be glad however God chooses to use His and my time.


-THE TENDERLOIN-

Well we've made it! We rode the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) from the airport to the Tenderloin area. Initially walking out of the BART station the city looked like a typical city- the lights of the buildings and restaurants shone in the dark of the night, cars zipped around the streets honking and screeching, and lots of people were power walking as if they had somewhere they needed to be. We strolled two blocks taking in the sights, sounds and smells the city had to offer us, and then the mood instantly changed as we crossed a street and entered the Tenderloin District.

It smells like pee here. Like, they kept telling us it was going to smell like pee and I tried to prepare myself for it, but it really and truly smells like a straight up restroom. Looking down it makes sense. Lining the walls of the buildings on the streets were the homeless begging for money and addicts feeding their addictions. We were told to keep our eyes down, and after walking past human excrement I was grateful my eyes helped me avoid stepping in it. What a different world these people live in than I do.

The place we are staying is only about two blocks from the BART station so it wasn't a terrible walk with all of our luggage (thank goodness). The building has three stories I think, with the second and third being rooms to sleep in with cots. The first floor is an open space used for a variety of things I will talk about later on. This first night we unpacked, met as a group to talk about housekeeping and the plan for the morning/the following day, then went to bed.

Cot sleep isn't as good as bed sleep. 

Background

According to Wikipedia, the Tenderloin (TL) "is a neighborhood in downtown San Francisco, California in the flatlands that encompasses about 50 square blocks. The Tenderloin is a high-crime neighborhood, particularly violent street crime such as aggravated assault. Seven of the top ten violent crime plots are adjacent plots in the Tenderloin. The first block of Turk Street, between Taylor and Mason, had one of the highest rates of violence and drug activity in San Francisco, according to a survey conducted by the Tenderloin Housing Clinic."

According to SF City Impact, the Tenderloin District is "the poorest district in the City of San Francisco, with 26% of its population living below poverty level. It is one square mile that is home to over 35,000 people and a population of 4-6,000 homeless."

According to my experiences this week, the Tenderloin is an area filled with broken people with broken souls who are searching for anything and everything to repair their brokenness.

My church in Nacogdoches, Grace Bible Church, has been taking a group of students and leaders to San Francisco City Impact for a mission trip the past four years during Spring Break. SF City Impact "exists to intervene on behalf of the people in the inner city of San Francisco." This year I felt called to join them. I didn't know exactly what the trip entailed when I signed up for it except for the fact that the people who had gone in the past came away from the trip on a spiritual high. I wanted that, and needed that.

Throughout the trip I kept a journal with all of my thoughts and observations. This blog is my journal.